“Anorexia is the best thing that has ever happened to me”. This was my daughter’s statement a year ago. Trying not to blink, nor to be terrified by this declaration I asked “How come?” “Because you and dad showed me that I can trust you no matter what. I now know that you will always be there for me.”
Supporting my child through her eating disorder was the hardest challenge I have ever had. Frustration, fear, guilt, tiredness and anxiety- I had them all. Obviously, her statement is true: We had been there for her! Through the illness, it was all about and around her.
- We were active in food selection, preparation and plating
- We encouraged her through every single bite
- We ensured she had 3 meals and 3 snacks a day whatever it took
- We took her to endless appointments
- We closely monitored her health
- We identified activities she liked and adhered to them
- We carefully planned vacations
- We strictly selected her and our inner circle
Regaining trust in your child after an eating disorder is hard, but necessary; trust is the core of a healthy relationship. It represents your belief in your child, in their decision making abilities, and their honesty.
How can one regain trust after supporting a loved one with an eating disorder? Looking at our journey, trust had been broken multiple times during the peak of the illness: I fed her and she purged the food away. I slept and she extensively exercised. I locked the balance in the safe box and she bought one online. I got assured she is doing okay and she self harmed. I was confident that the weights at the Doctor’s clinic are accurate while her body was overly loaded with water. I bought the food she liked the most, and found it in the trash.
Although it feels difficult to move past this developed distrust, as your child goes through weight restoration, give them the opportunities to be successful in regaining your trust but remind them of boundaries and consequences. Here are a few useful tips:
- Understand that distrust is a by-product of the illness and that eating disorders are deceit. It is not your child who broke your trust, but the illness did
- Talk with your child and understand their struggles and what they do. Ensure you have an open line of communication: The more your child shares, the less you fear and worry
- Be available when your child comes to talk with you, answer their calls and text messages and reinforce that you expect the same from their end
- Forgive your child, it was not their fault. Once you do, resentment and negative emotions would be released
- Commit to rebuilding trust and be willing to fix what is broken. This will set up the ground for a healthy relationship
- Celebrate wins even if they look small. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Ensure you acknowledge the efforts they make and the outcome you see
- Spend time together and enjoy activities you both like. Ensure you provide them with undivided attention during these times
For me the time to trust has come. My daughter and I have strengthened our bond for years to come. If you need support in your journey, feel free to reach out to me.