An eating disorder (ED) is a family crisis which affects the whole family. Through these times, increase in financial, physical and emotional strain is common. It is time to navigate through this monster rather than letting it have control over you.
When ED hit my family, I was focused on understanding why it happened to us. After all, we are a loving, supporting, educated and financially secured family. We blamed ourselves for being the reason for the development of the illness. Blame that was replaced by guilt and an immense fear: the fear of losing our child. At the time, I did not know if the starvation would kill my child, or if the self-harm would; the feeling of hopelessness and loss of control did not help at all.
It is neither your fault nor your child’s. It is not your child choice to have the ED developed. Once you understand this it will be easier to put these feelings of blame and guilt aside and focus your energy on supporting your child through their journey to recovery.
Here are my 4Cs to protect your marriage:
Coordinate: Be prepared for your agenda to be fully booked. You may have appointments such as family physicians, dietitians, doctors, therapists and lab checks; while still needing to create a home environment that supports recovery. If you have other children and you are both working, time management is needed. Check out what you can cut, postpone or get assistance from other family members and trusted friends. Now it is time to work on a shared calendar, minimizing rushing around. Review the schedule as frequent as you see fit.
Communicate: women tend to talk more about their feelings compared to men. Be compassionate and make sure you listen to each others needs and respond to each other’s concerns, fears and wants. Consider the fact that the two of you may deal differently with the crisis and may have different opinions as to the right treatment plan. In the event you are unsure how to proceed, schedule a consultation with an ED professional. Check on each other- are the two of you taking care of your selves physically by getting adequate sleep, and eating properly? Are the two of you managing your stress appropriately? Be empathetic, gracious in your words and, most importantly, listen to one another.
Collaborate: You are a team, and as a team you need to succeed in the most important challenge of your life- saving your child. You already have credentials for being a successful team, and now it is time to prove it once again. Make sure that the household responsibilities are understood to both of you, and be open to adjust as needed. Neither one of you shall carry more load than the other.
Commit: Commit to each other and to your goal. Prioritize time spent together. Make time for your spouse and show them that you care of them by providing undivided attention. Have fun and embrace every opportunity to enjoy together. Do not engage in drinking, shopping, gambling, or other harmful activities to yourself or your relationship. Consider yourself as one: one solid and strong entity that is going to beat the eating disorder. By committing to each other, you will strengthen your family and marriage.
Through your journey always remember that recovery is possible.